Awakening of a Cyber-slave
KttN
The following are three letters from a wonderful submissive (who happens to
be a dear friend of ours) who has recently come to terms with the concept of
being a cyber-only slave. Cyber only meaning the relationship took place
primarily over their phone, through email and telephone communities. She wrote
these as a part of her self-cleansing process and wanted to share her feelings
and experience with other who may find themselves in a similar situation.
Master:
I don't know how to start this, I have a lot I need to say.
The one thing I loved so much about you was how tender you always were with me.
it just feels so weird now. There are times I just want to throw myself in your
arms and for you to say it will be okay.
I guess I was fooling myself, thinking we would be together again. I kept
waiting for you to give me one reason to stay and I am having a lot of problems
understanding it all. All I feel from you is a coldness as if i never existed
and you want me gone. I swore no more tears and they haven't stopped.
I guess I needed this to move on, but it is so hard. I always felt *one* with
you. One thing I do know now, is that I like me, and that I am not the one at
fault here. But it is so hard to shut down a side of me and become hardened. You
have finally "toughened" me up so to speak. Each tear I cry is like adding a
stone around my heart and I am fighting it every step of the way. It isn't in me
to be hard.
I am beginning to realize it was all a lie, and I hurt. The feelings I had were
that my heart, soul, body and mind were one, and all of me loved and cared for
by the one who owned me was just a dream, something I made up, something I
wanted to be real so badly that I made it so in my mind. It hurts to open my
eyes.
I don't know, maybe we did just want different things. I needed to be owned and
possessed, you didn't want the responsibility. With greater power there always
comes more responsibility. By that I don't mean 24/7, but letting the other know
you care. Simple things, little things. Being ignored hurts. Perhaps you were
right to end it. Perhaps it was a decision I couldn't make for myself and needed
made for me. As it was we couldn't go on, I guess neither one of us knew how to
fix things. It was just confusion.
Well, I always knew you cared, but I always felt you believed I expected too
much from you. That is what happens when lovers don't talk. It is like tending a
rose, caring for it as it blooms, then letting it go to weed. I felt choked and
dying, and I asked for so little. But then that is my point. I did ask and it
didn't seem worth the effort to you.
When I was putting together the D/s Lifestyle section of website and I read the
essay by SirMagic, Soulmates and Predestined Love, I knew it was us. Something
that just was. It was a love that was worth working towards, waiting for, being
patient for, and I never fooled myself. I know that with love anything is
possible, and I know nothing is more pure than when a slave and Master love. I
honestly feel anything worthy of my love is worth fighting for. No guts, nothing
to gain, and I will always fight for that.
Trust was an issue. Trusting the love, trusting the feelings. I gave you all my
trust and with that came peace of mind for me. The peace and calm that you, as
my Master would never hurt me. It was euphoria. It was when I became yours and
it didn't come easy. When you told me you didn't trust me, I think I started to
fade, wondering what more I could give that I hadn't, again we never spoke.
As I think back now, I wonder what it was you didn't trust me with. You told me
so little, nothing really. And still I loved and trusted you for who you were. I
wonder now how I could have done that. I don't think you trusted me because you
had so much to hide. But with each step I learned to trust me, so it wasn't all
bad. Regaining that trust in me will be the hard part.
I guess I needed to feel you turn your back to able to move on, and to be able
to let go. As much as this hurts I know now it is your demons, and not mine. I
know I am someone who can love, and can be loved and cherished by someone brave
enough. I always thought you were the one, I still do, but that too will fade in
time.
I don't think I made it up, if nothing else these past few weeks have shown me
the reality of the love I have for you. I will always love you. I only wish you
would have talked and we could have been friends. But that too is a choice you
made, I will abide by that, and no longer talk to you as you wish. But it is
also your choices that effect my life too. I don't think you have taken in my
feelings or how it effects me in any of your choices. It's sad, so much love
reduced to nothingness.
You put it perfectly once. You will always be a permanent scar upon my heart,
that is if the wound will ever heal. You can run from it all you want, but it
will always be there. Funny, the man I idolized and adored, I now see as a
coward. Someone with no honor.
I told you I had a lot to say, it is all about the choices we make, and how we
live them. Personally your choices offend me. But as you said before, the choice
was always mine, so maybe I am to blame after all. I really needed to write
this, I know now the day I stopped giving was the day it was over, the day you
had nothing else to take from me.
One thing I need to add after tonight, I am not just an online friend and I hate
you for even ever thinking I wasn't a real person, with real feelings, with real
love. that hate will start the healing.
take care,
lauri
Master,
I have the hardest time sitting still when I think of you, *wet* that may have
something to do with it. Damn one line and I can't sit, okay I will keep my legs
crossed and hope that works:). Ummm can I say I am happy? I am finding my self
drifting and making little sighing noises more and more lately, or leaning back
in my chair and feeling my hair hang down and imagining you walking behind me
and taking it in your hands, pulling it back, kissing my neck *wimper* I need
you to use me. It is more of a craving, deep and soulful, wet and nasty *smile*.
I can't help but smile and show the world I am an owned sexslave and loved and
happy and wanting nothing more than to please my Master. And it shows simply
through a smile and the fire in my eyes. You are so good to me.
You know my pussy is flowing now don't you? I woke up this morning with you
throughout my entire being, it was like your arms were pulling me close, holding
me as you slipped your fingers inside my wet tight cunt, held them there without
moving them till I came with no thought in the world but you and your power.
Horny doesn't explain that, it is more on a spiritual level when I cum that hard
and deep with only a thought of you. Hehe but I love the horny slutty times.
Mmmmmmm oh have I had thoughts lately. That is why it is so hard to write
something long and nasty sometimes, I just can't think of one, they are all
swirled together.
Today is like that. Well you know how I woke up. Now let me tell you why I am so
wet and horny and so on the edge, and wet and nasty. Oh you know I am at work
right? And believe me it was hard enough getting here. I have been trying to
answer mail all morning, I thought it would take my mind off you for an hour,
nope, didn't work.
I wonder at times if I am too selfish, too horny, too needy, too lost in my own
pleasure that I forget about you. I am not sure, my pleasure has become so lost
in yours I am not sure what is what any more. I think this is thinking too much
hehe. I was thinking how much I love your cock, not just for the way it feels in
my pussy, but for the way it makes you feel. I love sucking your cock. I love
licking it all over, feeling the smoothness against my tongue as I flatten it
and lick you over and over. I love being on my knees in front of you and sliding
my mouth over the head, sucking down hard before I take you deeper down my
throat. When you take my hair and hold me still and fuck my mouth it shoots
electricity through my body, but when you moan as you use me as your cockslut I
become lost in you and my pussy aches to be touched and I long for your cum
whether you give it to me in my mouth or my shoot it onto my big tits, or have
me hold my pussy open for it, or if you blast loads of cum in my hair, it
doesn't matter I am nothing but a place for your cum. That is my pleasure,
knowing I am nothing but a slut to be used by you. Too lost in my own pleasure?
Hmmm I am still not sure. It makes me greedy though.
Is this surrender to our love? I never thought of giving myself as a gift, it
was about my losing control from the very start and seeing if you were the one
who would be able to take that control. Not only take it but know what to do
with it. Surrender to me is where the "spiritual" side of Ds begins to happen,
where love, sex and the spirituality become one. A mutual surrender? It can't be
talked about or negotiated, it happens, it comes from a need so great that
nothing else will do. Ds then becomes a circle, no beginning, no ends, it is no
longer grounded. Yeah, I have been thinking about love a lot lately, but more
than just love, the love that comes uniquely to a Master and slave, hey that is
us:). I have a million questions and a million thoughts. But it keeps coming
back to one, my unleashed passion, that you have only just tapped through your
ownership, freedom?
Mmmmm but I love the way my Master fucks my pussy. I say my, but I know who owns
it. My mind is all over the place now. I came twice this morning and you would
think I would be satisfied *smile* I find pleasure just looking at my body,
knowing it is yours. I was closely looking at your pussy as i shaved it this
morning and noticed through the foam and water from the shower that I was
glistening with my own wetness. I touched and felt the slickness and thought how
cool that the water couldn't wash that away. I opened its lips and carefully
shaved knowing I was making it soft and smooth for you, it is not mine any
longer, it is yours, truly yours, so I guess you own my pleasure too. Where does
it stop and where does it begin, I am no longer sure, but it just it. It is
curious though, I mean the way I love bending over and feeling my big tits
hanging, longing for them to bounce, longing for you to slam your big cock way
up inside me. Mmmmmm is that fiirst hard thrust for me or you me *wink*. Told
you I was greedy. Oooooh your hands on my hips, pulling me back on your cock, it
is all I can go now to keep from moaning outloud, "ooooooh Master yessss", you
own me, I will do anything for you, no questions asked, none thought, just being
and nothing more. This is freedom, this is pure, this is nothing I can explain,
nor want to try, it is freedom from fear, it is safety in your arms, I am yours.
Use me, fuck me, make me beg like like the nasty little bitch I am, please never
stop wanting me.
How many times have I said only through slavery am I free. I am not sure how to
explain, but for me to surrender completely, to give you complete control, is
freedom. In order to do this, I had to face myself, examine my life, find what
reasons were holding me back from allowing your complete control over me. To be
able to trust you so completely with my whole being i had to be free of all my
past fears and insecurities. Excess baggage so to speak. You helped me face all
my fears and conquere them and allowed me to be open completely to receive what
my Master wishes me to to have through your control, and that is your power. I
love you for being there for me every step of the way, freedom.
Oooh swirling thoughts, lust filled passionate thoughts, a slave, a sexslave, a
slaveslut nothing more, nothing less, only you could have elevated me to that
plain of desire by owning me. I love you, I want to tell you that over and over
not to convince me or you but I love the words on my lips as I speak them from
my soul. Or is it as simple as whispering "Master." I am bound to you merely
because you have allowed me to touch your soul, you give me more of your power
as the seconds go by and I cherish it, I crave it, I crawl towards you with my
big tits swaying, willing, wanting, needing to beg to be used, to be fucked, to
be used as your cumslut, use me please, your desires are mine, there is nothing
too nasty, or slutty that i would never do for you, I am a dripping sluttly
little bitch now as I sit here, but I love it, love being yours.
*kiss*
KttN
Master:
I am writing this for me. I now know how much I have learned about myself while
being a "cyberslave" of two years. I know now how much of that self I forgot
along the way, the two mails were written to my Master, but they are me.
I am not sure what I want to say here even, for even now I write this through
tears. I don't want this to be a warning to others, but a way for me to open my
own eyes and keep my own awareness of my self from now on, a self I know is
worthy of love, my own mostly, but worth the risk of love in the future, both
giving and receiving, and knowing the responsiblity of taking another's love and
how to cherish it, *smile* I have learned my lesson well.
While I will never be a submissive to a cyber Master again, cyber had its place
for me, as it has for others. But know your boundaries here, know yourself, and
know the reality of the situation, learn all you can to make yourself ready to
walk into the "real world". For you will never truly know till you can look into
the other's soul through their eyes,
I don't want to discount the friends I have made online, the caring and loving
ones who will always be a part of my life. I love them dearly and will always be
there for them too if needed. and for me, my submission was real and is real
even now. while I thought that I could never be submissive again I know I am, it
is within me, not something I can put aside to move on and change. I am fine the
way I am and hope to grow and love each new day,
In truth I find freedom in my soul, and with freedom comes trust.
peace,
Lauri/KttN
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