The Owner is always calling me a SAM--Smart Assed Masochist. I always say it is better to be a smart ass then a dumb ass. Course I get 10 for that <wink> here are some lessons that someone posted on a list, and I have seen all over the net that seem to fit---for someone called SAM

SAM Lessons

Some people really want to be Smart-Assed Masochists, but they can't quite get the hang of it. Here's a few things they can do to become a genuine certified SAM.

Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play
Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it. Finish up by putting a slash through the circle
In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore
During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you
If your Dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed
If your Dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!'
Decorate your Dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes
Place a whoopee cushion on your Dom/me's favorite chair
Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party
Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene
Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword
When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'
Learn a language your Dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together
Become prone to incessant giggling
If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes
Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly. It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your Dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off..
Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving)
When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters
If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear
Tell your Dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment

Learn the following phrases and use them as often as possible

Get off your lazy *ss and do it yourself!
What do I look like, your maid?
This isn't a restaurant
In your dreams!
Who died and left you boss?
I don't think so!
Homey don't play that game
Yeah, right!

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Only speak in movie quotes
Give your dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer
Send your Dom/me an invoice for your services
After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your Dom/me hecks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!'
Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut
Ignore your top until s/he utters the magic word
Starch the floggers
Whine
Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling (Clap on)

Note to subs - Do not try these tricks at home. Only to be preformed by professional Experienced SAM's [with iron asses]