Why am I into SM, and others not? Was there an early sensitizing experience? Questions that many of us have posed ourselves. Certainly I have. Since first joining Janus three years ago it's been a personal quest to uncover the source of my proclivities. So it was with quite some excitement that I looked forward to Bill Henkin's program. When I saw the energy of the crowd surrounding a table of carpet beaters at one of my first community exchanges, and carpet beaters had been the implements of discipline in my childhood, I knew I had struck psychological gold. It felt very clear to me that those of us around that table were recreating our childhood with those carpet beaters and dominating the terror they held for us by making them our own.
Had I read the program notes more carefully I might have been disabused of my high hopes for "the answer" a little earlier. It was a light audience. Bill Henkin is a regular contributor to GP and advertiser as psychotherapist, author with Sybil Holiday of "Consensual Sado-Masochism" and a self-acknowledged switch player. His first observation was that showing up for a program on abuse was obviously not very erotic for most people. Most of us really don't want to struggle with our demons of abuse. And he quite trenchantly pointed out that as long as we don't talk about it, it will run us. He warned us that during his presentation issues might come up for us that we needed to talk about, and offered us his services.
He outlined the evening for us, saying he would first define abuse, proceed to delineate general abuse, then talk about abuse in the S/M community and leave time for questions. As a good scholar would, he quoted us the Oxford English dictionary's definition of abuse as misuse, wearing up and wearing out, ill use and perversion. The most important issue around abuse, he pointed out, is that no one is ever responsible for receiving abuse. We all underwent non- consensual domination as children, a fact that should not be discounted Now we can give informed consent and have the freedom to say yes or no.
Abuse, he went on, includes neglect, not having ones needs met. Maslow defined our hierarchy of needs. starting with physiologic one, needs of security and needs of self- actualization. A need is not a want. A need is not negotiable; a need is physiological whereas a want is emotional. When our needs are not met, we feel neglected. We also have emotional needs; needs to be seen, to be honored. And we can be abused by having our self-actualization thwarted.
Think of all the categories of people who weren't allowed to be something (a fireman) because they were something else (a woman, or black). The definition of abuse changes also over time and across cultures. For example, the "rule of thumb", that you could only beat your wife or children with an instrument not larger than your thumb, was actually considered humane in its day and not abuse. Feeling abused is different from actually being abused. Someone actually asked whether children should be spanked. Henkin had one of the best answers I've heard. Spanking only makes the parent feel like they did something.
One tragic outcome of serious abuse like spanking may be multiple personality disorders. The effects of abuse differ if they are perpetrated by the hands of a stranger or by one one trusts. As long as a stranger is the source of the abuse, home can still be a safe place. But once one is abused by one one trusts, there is no longer any safe place and then we face trauma. Trauma, Henkin defined as an overwhelming experience where the individual is no longer able to self regulate the response. Traumatic events shatter our protective shell and the experience becomes frozen resulting in energy blocks that drain us.
The effect of abuse by people we trust damages the integrity of the self and subsequently self-esteem. When abuse involves issues of trust it may result in a total lack of trust or in a naive trusting too much. Incest, adult/child incest that is, may not feel bad when it actually happens. It may be a pleasant but confusing experience which only later results in shame. The possible results of child abuse that starts early and goes on for an extended period, in addition to the multiplicity mentioned above, are depression, compulsivity, substance abuse, inability to play (i.e. workaholism), inability to interact, isolation, eating disorders, lack of intimacy, low self-esteem.
As everyone in the room started to squirm in the seats, Henkin did take us off the hook, saying just because we may recognize the symptoms of a particular pathology without having it, as med students may recognized they have the symptoms of t.b., narcolepsy and coronary occlusion without having any of the pathologies themselves. A collective sigh of relief was heard throughout the room, but the pinched faces of the audience indicated the undercurrent of doubt.
Now, getting to abuse in the SM community, Henkin does not believe that childhood abuse causes us to get involved in SM. He says no one has found a connection despite of what the old psychology tomes say. But who's done any research? Henkin stated that Dr. Charles Moser has perform some research in this area. Studies have concluded we re-enact childhood behavior. Henkin quoted a study that was really quite scary, saying that one in four women has had an uninvited sexual encounter by age 16. Henkin believes it's mammalian behavior to want to control. As an editorial comment, I'd like to say it's probably more testosterone related or early damage to trust elicits our need to control. We ward of a lot of insecurity by control. I know I do.
Abuse may be easily masked in our SM community. The DSM IV does not see SM as a pathology any more as long as it does not interfere in one's life. It is a pathology when it is non-consensual with the intent to do evil or harm. Henkin pointed out the necessity for informed consent to forestall the possibility of abuse in SM and the pitfalls of emotional blackmail, the threat of withdrawal of affection if someone does not oblige the abuser. If you are going to give up property rights of any kind, mainly to yourself, he warned, be sure you know who you give those rights to.
A good note for the evening's end. Ultimately we are responsible. While we do have kids inside us, it doesn't mean we still are kids. Bill Henkin also distributed a brief bibliography on the topic and extended an invitation for the program attendees to call him if they have any unanswered questions.
Posted with permission from Society of Janus
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