Experience is the greatest teacher of all, and Chris and Cathy shared what they've learned over their ten years of marriage with us recently. Having met through the personals, they had what would be considered a 'traditional' relationship until Cathy opened the marriage. They spent the evening pointing out some of the perks and pitfalls associated with an open relationship. Although geared toward the BDSM community, the rightly pointed out that the same things apply in just about every relationship.

They started by defining an open relationship. In this, the couple is usually emotionally monogamous. It is frequently open as far as BDSM, but closed sexually. Most couples are fluid-bonded, meaning that the primary couple do not practice safe sex, but with others they do. Falling under this category would be primary and secondary relationships, where the primary is usually a more intense, intimate, and emotional pairing, and the secondary is a bit more committed than just dating. Polyamoury includes multiple partners, while polyfidelity would be a multiple marriage. Also included would be the triad, a three-person relationship.

Chris and Cathy spoke of the necessities in a relationship. Communication, not surprisingly, was given priority. The importance of keeping your partner aware of what pushes your buttons, timing, and clarity were discussed. Trust, as in any relationship, plays an important role in an open relationship, along with commitment to the primary relationship and a commonality of goals.

The advantages to an open relationship were enumerated. Some of these included the additional support of other partners, the larger spectrum of needs met, and the expanded sexuality available. As with anything, though, there are possible drawbacks. There is a chance of the primary partner falling in love with one of the secondary partners, the jealousy stemming from insecurities that could easily accompany an open relationship, old traumas being resurrected, and the possibility that one partner will cheat and/or lie to sidestep established boundaries.

The final portion of the program dealt with the primary couple negotiating the type of open relationship they would have. Among the important topics to discuss were included:

1. Sexual boundaries- will there be just SM play or sexual interaction outside the primary relationship.
2. Emotional boundaries- how much of an emotional intimacy will be shared outside the relationship.
3. Frequency- how often will the partners go outside the relationship.
4. Terminology- to avoid the "technicality" defense, both primary partners should make sure that they both understand each other completely.
5. Time & Space- when will the outside relationship take place, will it interfere with the primary relationship, and will it take place at the primary's residence or elsewhere.
6. Parity- although each person may not be looking for the same thing or with the same frequency, parity has each primary party feeling they are getting their "fair share".
7. Types of partners- will these be 'one-nighters', ongoing play partners, or secondary partners.
8. Veto power- can one partner declare a particular person as a 'no way' for their primary partner.
9. Disclosure- how much does each partner want to know about the other's outside relationships.

Chris and Cathy put on an interesting presentation. In some of the stories they shared with us, it was obvious that much of what they relayed to us had been learned the hard way. I thank them for sharing some of their very personal experiences with us, and hope that anyone involved in a relationship will take a second look at some of the information they provided us and use it wisely.

Posted with permission from Society of Janus
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