Well, gentle reader, this review was not a simple task. Why? Well, picture this. There I was sitting admiring the holographic sparkle on my blood red nails, matching the sparkle on my new black dress, the red accentuated by my gorgeous red boots, matching my sparkly red scarf and a fetching red beret. You get it. I'm into sparkles and red and matching. I'm a girl. And I'm supposed to review a program on "Discreet Dungeons: Or How to Get the Play You Want in the Space You Have and Still Get your Damage Deposit Back."?

Conrad Hodson, the presenter, came all the way from Eugene, OR, and passed out a 17 page handout, which those of you desperately in need of more detailed instructions than I'm about to give you can probably get from him via e-mail: conrad@efn.org.

Reviewing those notes Conrad so generously provided, I learned the difference between an eyebolt (it's got a nut at the end) and eyescrew (it doesn't) and an anchor bolt (it's got no eyes, it screws, at both ends!). Don't read that sentence out loud in the wrong place, you might get arrested. My neighbor gets all excited about the thought of making a hole with a Makita. Only when the collective mind starts envisioning said Makita with a dildo at the end, do I overcome my disgust for the overwhelming boyness of the topic and start seeing some possibilities myself.

Conrad has been kinky since he was 5, in the scene for ten years and was one of the early presenters at ORGASM (Oregon Guild Activists in SM). When I asked him what his background was, he said his pedigree was BDIFBY. It's a British acronym, for: Been Doing It For Bloody Years. Hey, at least it's original.

His chosen task is to create the most usable playspace anywhere and not lose its vanilla use. Light, heat and sound were his main concerns. For keeping the sound away from neighbors and not getting outed he suggested weather stripping, double glazing. If you've got an unlimited budget he mentioned soundproofing with sheet metal, and foam rubber in alternating layers, which does require a lot of engineering. His cheap solution is the TV, the variety of sounds emanating from it conditions people to accept whacks and screams as part of the background noise. He recommends getting a cheap one at Goodwill where the sound is sill working or making a soundtrack of some loud bang'em-up programs, with speakers in the relevant windows pointing outwards. He said: "Serious sound control uses psychology and is much cheaper."

Now, gentle reader, here comes the nugget that made this program worthwhile. Conrad noticed in his early playing days how light and temperature were always an issue. Some spaces where too dark for some players, some too light, some too hot and some too cold. The answer is ... (fanfare) ... HEAT LAMPS of 300 watts or better. Bottoms love them because they can be aimed for heat and tops love them because they can be aimed for light.

It's a win-win. He recommends a lot of them at parties which can be moved around as people move around. Hope Damion at Castlebar is listening or someone tells her.

Now, on to the eyebolts. Conrad got all misty-eyed remembering one room in which he had 30 eyebolts in various and sundry places to tie people to or from. Don't use electrical conduit or the spare pipes hanging around for your suspensions. They're probably for the sprinkler system and you'll have an unexpected light or water show. And find the center of the stud for your eyescrews, folks. And if you don't know what that kind of stud is, hire a contractor. For concrete use a rotohammer with a #20 bit. And mollybolts for cinder block.

(See, surprised you. Artesia is really covering up a little jock called Max, who loves to keep up with the big boys. Cost me a lot of money in therapy to find him. Next time expect to see me packing! Being in charge of a road construction project in Africa honed me for this task here, too. Not to mention being married to an engineer for 20 years and being my own general on a few remodels.)

The long and short of the eyebolts, etc., is that they had better be in safely. Conrad warned us of the hysterical strength of the bottom, behind curtains or blinds, or in false ceilings, or under electrical baseboard heaters. Cover your chains with bicycle inner tubes to minimize chafing damage. Bookshelves can also hide a myriad of bolts. You can put bolts into your floors, too, as long as they are covered by carpet, not tile or parquet. Make sure you don't trip over them.

The easier and quicker your set-up time the more you will play and the more you will avoid a phenomenon common to SM couples, no energy left to play akin to lesbian bed death! Conrad talked about using furniture for bondage, such as a storage chest for all your toys, with a bunch of bolts, or a massage table. You can use the wood in couches for bolts as long as you reinforce it. Recliner chairs have steelbars and you can stuff all your ropes into them as into the couches above. Hideabeds and futon beds make great bondage equipment with a few judiciously placed bolts. You can use bean bag chairs the adjust various and sundry heights. A piece of plywood with bolts can be put on parquet floors and put up and away when not in use. Plywood with tiepoints can come in handy between the mattress and the boxsprings.

The evening concluded with a question as to how to make a portable St. Andrews cross. The best idea involved a steel plate at the center, into which the wood members could then be inserted. Conrad had an astute observation, that the center should be off center since it so often hides those fun frontal parts and keeps them from being duly tortured. He also suggested leaving a place at the bottom so the feet could be straight. But ultimately, his view is, why bother when you can create tie points in the wall. We all have our preferences, don't we?

Well, said Artesia, the Well, writing this review was a torture and it didn't even get my well flowing. I do want to know why I was given the job to write it, by an engineer, with an engineer sitting on either side of me who were enraptured until the bitter end. And me the lit major and into matching fetish wear, to boot! Must be I'm a real masochist and don't know it...yet.

Posted with permission from Society of Janus
Ó Society of Janus http://www.soj.org