Having a lead foot, I have on occasion attended traffic school, and, knowing that I have a limited attention span, I have always opted for the comedy versions, so that I can "laugh while I learn". Jay Wiseman should consider giving a seminar to those instructors because his recent program on negotiation proved that this is a skill he has mastered. Those who have read his books are familiar with the dry, sometimes self-deprecating wit that Jay has. He confirmed that with this informative and amusing program on Finding Play Partners and Negotiation.

The program began with a discussion of how to find play partners. While it would seem that the most success would obviously come from within the community, with the 12:1 ratio of men to women, this is not easy. Alternatively, partners from the vanilla world can sometimes be gently taught about BDSM play. He also discussed the running of personal ads. Crucial here was an honest and informative ad. Jay advised against the cliche "romantic candlelight dinner" type approach to a personal, and pointed out that the best ads are those that provide an accurate portrait of your likes and dislikes.

Perhaps more important than the how to find play partners was the part of the program on how to choose a play partner. The first step is to identify the type of partner you are looking for. Jay defined these as primary partner, secondary partner, occasional play partner, and partner of opportunity. If the person you seek is a primary partner, it is important to keep in mind Jay's "IPSA" factor, which is that Important Personal Similarities Attract. These would include such things as sexual preference, politics, economics, religion, and culture, to name a few.

After Jay had told us how and where to look for partners, he spoke about how to negotiate a scene once we've got them. He warned against some of the oft-used phrases like "I have no limits", "I don't play with safewords", and "I don't negotiate". Jay defined seven stages of negotiation:

1. Initial attraction.
2. Pre-pre-session. This serves as a screening for the "dealmakers", where hard limits and firm needs should be discussed, preferably a couple days prior to the session.
3. Pre-session. This is the negotiation immediately prior to the session. This is where wants and limits d'jour should be discussed.
4. Session. While not actually a time for negotiation per se, the scene itself should be conducted with communication and feedback. As Jay said, "Proximity without intimacy is inevitably destructive." A successful scene should include safewords, along with being aware and in tune with your partner, accomplished by checking in with each other, done in Jay's case with the 2-squeeze system. To check in with his partner, Jay will give them two small squeezes such as on the hand and, if all is well, two squeezes are then returned to him. The middle of a session is not the arena for finding out limits and needs- this should be accomplished in the pre-session negotiations.
5. Immediate post-session. This is the time to return back to everyday roles while maintaining a degree of intimacy. Generally, this is not the time to discuss specifics of the session.
6. Debriefing. Within 1-3 days of a session, this is the time for details of what worked and didn't work. This is best done in person, although a phone call is a second-best alternative. E-Mail, while growing in popularity, is considered a last choice because it is so impersonal.
7. Aftershock. Partners should be aware of and available for the possibility of aftershock. This would be the "Egads, what have I done!" response a few days after the session.

While at first glance, this program would seem suitable for those new to the scene, the consensus was that even those who have been in the community for a while left with a revitalized perspective on the importance of choosing the 'right' partner and negotiation. Jay's often hilarious personal anecdotes alone are well worth the time spent at one of his programs (and cheaper than Tommy T's), and I appreciate being able to learn from his mistakes. Thanks go to Jay for making learning fun.

Posted with permission from Society of Janus
Ó Society of Janus http://www.soj.org