Some of us in the scene have been playing exclusively with the same person for years and are happy with this situation, while others strive to experience the energy of as wide a variety of people as possible. Players from all over this spectrum gathered to hear professional dominant and SM educator Cleo Dubois discuss the pleasures and pitfalls of playing with a new partner. During the first half of the workshop, Cleo shared her thoughts and experience about the process of negotiating a scene with someone new. The second half was devoted to two negotiation demos, one of which was followed by a brief scene.

Cleo suggested that we start any negotiation very clear about our own desires and needs. Why do we want to play with this particular person? Love? Lust? Are we impressed by their reputation? Are they proficient at something we’re dying to try? Do we want to be taken down? Are we salivating over the contents of their toy bag? Are we seeking fun? Intimacy? Spiritual exploration? Do we...well, you get the idea.

Once we know our motivations and desires, it’s time to get interactive. Cleo emphasized several aspects of pre-scene discussion. One was scene safety, both physical and emotional. No matter how harsh a scene is desired, trust must be established. Partners need to know about limits and real-life triggers, consider what kind of emotional spaces they do or don’t want to visit, and form enough of a connection to be able to deal with problems. These safety and trust issues could be (and have been) a seminar by themselves.

The next phase of the process involves the mutual planning of the scene. Cleo stressed the importance of achieving parity here. Both partners must receive enough of what pushes their buttons to make the scene worthwhile for them. She went over a few topics we should keep in mind: Where is each person on the scale between sadist/masochist and dominant/submissive? What specific activities or modes of behavior are wanted? Examples of these: Service, humiliation, sensation, bondage, punishment fantasies, resistance, age play, gender play, fetishes.

When playing, many of us expect and hope that the reality will live up to our fantasies. Cleo reminded us not to count on that and to use safewords, flexibility, and a constant willingness to respect and respond to sudden changes in the scene. Extra vigilance is sometimes necessary when playing with a close friend or romantic partner—departures from expectations can be harder to handle and the scene risks we take have a greater effect on our day-to-day life.

After a break, Cleo took a volunteer for her first demonstration, which she announced would be negotiation only. She and her volunteer, "A", sat facing each other in chairs as the audience watched and listened. Cleo took the leading role in the discussion, asking questions and watching A’s reaction carefully. It would be too difficult to relate all of the details of their discussion, but what struck me the most was the changing tone of the conversation. At first A was very matter-of-fact in listing the things she wanted to try; her manner reminded me of a candidate at a job interview. At one point, after A had said something like "Yes, I’m interested in bondage and sensation," Cleo gently led her from the impersonal to the personal by saying, "So, would you like it if I tied you up and whipped you?" When A hesitated and then said "Yes," the audience could feel energy begin to flow. It was a delightful lesson in penetrating the barriers we can erect without meaning to do so.

Cleo and A continued their discussion, finding a couple of deal-breakers in the process. They decided that A might prefer to explore some things in the context of workshops where she could retain more control when on the receiving end. Cleo emphasized to the audience that when you have a discussion like this with someone you don’t know well, finding dealbreakers is not at all uncommon and we should not try to push for parity. Respect your intuition and desires and remember, there are plenty of other potential partners out there.

Lastly, Cleo talked with another volunteer, "B". This negotiation, which was meant to lead to a short scene, was more lighthearted and less intellectual. "B" expressed a fantasy of being a captured sailor who was being interrogated under the whip and Cleo, after finding out some pertinent details, stood him up against a pillar and had at him with a few of her whips and some humorous roleplay. The audience watched gleefully and headed home with thoughts of striking up a conversation with that special someone at the next party.

Posted with permission from Society of Janus
Ó Society of Janus http://www.soj.org