A panel discussion was held regarding needs versus wants. The panel was composed of MaryAnn, Cassandra, Jay Wiseman, and Wolf, who also served as the moderator.

The program was opened with a brief description of the difference between wants and needs. Simply put, a want was described as an option and a need as a requirement. It was noted that while this seems simple, the individual must carefully assess what their needs are and then relay these to the partner. A need should be non-negotiable. These could include emotional as well as physical. Once you have established your needs, the importance of communicating them to your partner was stressed. This led to a brief discussion on the art of communicating and how to help a partner express his/her needs.

The discussion was then opened to the entire group for questions and comments. Among some of the issues covered was how to deal with a situation where the partner is not meeting previously expressed needs. While all were in agreement that this was a situation that was not acceptable, the immediacy of dealing with it and degree of tact to be used were debated. Once again, knowing your partner was stressed, in this case to be able to tell whether this may have been a one time aberration or an ongoing inability to meet your needs, in which case tactfully declining further play was deemed in order.

Another point of interest was in the way wants and needs were presented. An example was given of two people who had similarly lengthy lists of wants/needs. One was abrasive and demanding while the other was more requesting and pleasant. It was noted that while having an equal number of wants/needs, the second person was a lot busier than the first. This served to illustrate the importance of treating each other with respect and that a good attitude will go a lot further than a bad one.

Further discussion followed, with those in attendance asking questions of the panel and sharing experiences of miscommunication. Following the official end of the program, a social period was held, which was helpful in providing an opportunity for the more reticent to ask questions or share their own experiences in a smaller group, and allowing new and established members to meet and mingle.

Summarizing, this was an interesting and enlightening discussion. Whether from top or bottom, male or female, the experiences and opinions shared were valuable in their ability to span orientation lines and provide those in attendance with helpful guidance to make play not just more fun, but also more fulfilling. Thank you to the panel for giving their time, and to those in attendance who shared their stories with us.

Posted with permission from Society of Janus
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