| Ten Rules for Dominants |
Ten Rules for Submissives |
| Be patient! Until you enter into a contract with a submissive, you
have no more right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give your bottom time to
get to know you and what you are like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of
dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and
awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in
the playroom. |
Be patient! A potential top will let you
know if she or he is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a
submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the
realization of your fantasies. Don't expect your top to be able to turn on like a light
switch. The timing must be right for both of you. |
| Be humble. You may be God's/Goddess' gift to the world, but no one
needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good
you are - and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you
claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up for a
failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach. |
Be humble. You may be God's or Goddess'
gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or
wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what
you claim, the "real you" will show through in a scene. Don't set yourself up
for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach.
|
| Be open. Although the top is classically considered to be the teacher
in SM, you can always learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to
learn from other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to
approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that
everyone has her or his own personal style. |
Be open. You can learn something about SM
and about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or
inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. SM is a very personal art,
and an "I already know it all" attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons
and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable SM friends. |
| Communicate! You are responsible for finding out basic, essential
information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and
dislikes, and health information. Playing SM without this knowledge is like Russian
roulette. Talk about your head-space and your view of SM with your bottom, so that any
uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules,
limits, and contracts. Do not take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the
ground rules. |
Communicate! Verbalization is necessary,
but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your top needs to know basic
information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turn-offs. But
- unless it's an emergency - wait until your top asks. Don't expect your dominant to be a
mind-reader who instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will
enhance the scene for both of you. |
| Be honest. If you lack experience in an area that your bottom would
like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be
honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are
completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking
priority over how hot a particular scene is. |
Be honest. Don't be afraid to share your
needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns,
and turn-offs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead
to problems, as the top will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing
problems, it can be dangerous. |
| Be sensitive. There's a very fine line
between a sensitive, caring dominant and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod.
Your scene should be a creative synthesis of your needs and fantasies and your bottom's
needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what
actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the
complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that
trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately. |
Be vulnerable. Your scene is a two-way street. It is not just the
physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to
certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your top ahead of time.
But don't always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you've written in your
head. It's far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to
places you're never been before. When you trust your top completely, let her or him know
it, and let him or her guide you into new fantasies. |
| Be realistic. End the scene with the bottom
wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and
sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what
is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno picture
books may be stimulating in themselves, but don't try to imitate them to the last detail.
|
Be realistic. Your dominant is human, and even the most experienced
tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don't call attention to what you perceive
as a lapse. Know the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and
magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout of
equipment. Your top's equipment is expensive - respect it and don't abuse it.
|
| Be really dominant! Submissives are looking for someone who will take
over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just
cardboard images from cigarette ads or macho stereotypes. Your dominance enhances your
whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life - it is
you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect him or her to give him/herself
up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it
is called for. Don't shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow
tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role -
now take it! |
Be really submissive! This is the whole
point. Let your dominant take you over completely. Don't coach or second guess or be
critical of your top. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts,
but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications,
then you should try being a top. You have agreed to limitations of your own power. Stay
within those limitations. Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you don't.
Accept it gracefully and cheerfully. Your top has many things to be concerned with,
including your safety and what turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role.
|
| Be healthy! Like any strenuous activity, SM requires that its
participants be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount
you sleep, your eating habits, and your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance
and endurance during a scene. Don't attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional
energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of
yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of "drugs and alcohol don't affect me
that much... I can do it anyway" violates your submissive's trust in you and can be
dangerous. If you don't want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn't be playing the
game! |
Be healthy! SM, like any strenuous
activity, requires that its participants - both active and passive - be in top physical
and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug
intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your
dominant needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how
tempting a scene sounds, an "I want it all now" attitude when you aren't able to
give your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and
yourself best by staying healthy. |
| Have fun! After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have
earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible,
creative SM play. |
Have fun! After all, sex is all about having a good time. You have
earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible,
creative SM play. |