Warning Signals

The more of the following that are present in your relationship, the more likely that it will become, or is already, abusive:

- Excessive alcohol or drug usage.

- Isolation, decreased contact with friends of family members. For many years

I have had a saying: "If it (the relationship) is going to go bad, it usually goes bad in isolation." Beware especially of the person who will not read books, attend workshops, or go to club meetings, and/or does not want you to do those things. (Some people may need to avoid events because of privacy concerns; this is a different matter.) They may know that such resources discuss safety, consensuality, negotiation, ethics, and limits - and your hearing that would reveal their abusiveness.

- Unemployment and/or severe money problems.

- Strong feelings of jealousy or possessiveness. Unwarranted suspicions of flirting or arranging secret meetings.

- A history of violent confrontations with friends, family members, co-workers, or others.

- A family history of being battered or other violence. (Abuse is, to a large degree, learned behavior. They had to learn it somewhere.)

- Dealing with relationship problems by issuing threats or ultimatums about what will happen if a perceived problem arises again. (Playful "punishments" that have been negotiated as part of the relationship would be an exception.)

- Non-negotiated, hurtful verbal abuse taking place on an uncomfortably frequent basis - especially if it's not balanced by a lot of affection and support. Examples may include sarcasm, pointed "interrogation" of motives or behavior, belittling in front of others, frequent "teasing," or "playful" insults.

- Furniture violence. This is a major red flag. If objects are being damaged during a blow-up, people may be damaged during the next one.

Reprinted with permission from 'SM 101: A Realistic Introduction,' by Jay Wiseman, published by Greenery Press. For more information about this book and many other books on BDSM and related sexualities, please visit the Greenery Press website at http://www.greenerypress.com.